fever of the baby.

New word count up tomorrow.

I want a baby. So bad.

I think I explained earlier at some point about WHY we can’t have a baby right now. The basic, cold facts. A) debt B) can’t leave my job C) still paying for Stepson at this point and D) I don’t feel this way every day, every week, every month.

But right now I am in the upswing; right now I can’t get enough of the babies at work and I am pinning upwards of 200 things for a baby and am religiously reading mommy blogs and quizzing my sister on everything baby. This past weekend I went to the movies and passed their party room and thought, “Gotta remember this for my kids someday it will make an awesome party”. I read an entire book on cloth diapering. I even practiced carrying my niece around in a baby carrier because that is my personal number one preference for toting baby someday. (I thank God my sister is so willing to hand over her baby to me every time I see her, because my visits are so rare and I love to soak up my time with her).

Yet, ironically, my mother-in-law and a coworker have asked me within the past few days, “When are you having a baby?” and the answer, “Not for a few years! Maybe longer!” shot out of my mouth before they could finish speaking. Knee jerk reaction because that’s really when it’s going to realistically happen.

But I want one NOW.

I should mention that my husband found out that he was having Stepson by stumbling upon a positive pregnancy test left behind in the bathroom, during a time when he was part time in work and full time in college. Husband was completely blindsided and spiraled into a depression. He gained so much weight, a beard, and nearly shoulder length hair. The entire pregnancy (and the forced engagement/wedding that accompanied it) was an utterly negative experience for him. So now, he wants to be ready financially and emotionally. I can respect that. I can bottle my feelings (however hard that may be) and wait for him to be ready.

However, I worry. The last daycare I worked at, about a dozen women (clients and staff) were pregnant and had babies. It seemed everyone got pregnant in an instant and had no complications while pregnant. We actually had two teachers pregnant at the same time. Everyone always joked there was something in the water. At my new place, it’s actually the opposite. We have three women on staff who have been trying for some time. One is on a special diet, gets shots, and has already had one miscarriage. One is very private about her situation, but she is struggling to conceive, and switches shifts with me once or twice a month so she can make her doctor’s appointments. The final one is my co-teacher and is one of the sweetest, funniest, greatest women/teachers I know. She is so gentle and loving with the babies, and is such a hard worker. She is currently four months pregnant … but has had three miscarriages and one stillborn. She is only 24 years old. A couple weeks ago I asked her about baby names and she told me she isn’t getting her hopes up. She and her husband haven’t done anything for the nursery, haven’t bought anything, haven’t thought up names, and probably won’t until the very, very end. She doesn’t want to get hurt anymore; she just wants to have the baby come out okay. Every month that the baby is still in her belly, is a milestone for her.

Pregnancy, it seems, is a privilege and not a right.

I pray for these women, and other women like them. I couldn’t imagine wanting a baby as badly as I do, and being told that I probably won’t be able to have one. I couldn’t imagine watching people around me get pregnant and having children, and knowing that’s a milestone I might never obtain. Sometimes I worry that I will have to face this trial someday. How can you be sure that you can conceive until you try?

You can’t. So for now, I over prepare and enjoy my life pre baby. I spend lots of time with my niece and Stepson. I enjoy the quiet time with Husband. I help out my pregnant co worker however I can, making sure she is resting enough and not lifting anything too heavy. I am flippant and dismissive about having children now so people do not see the worry, the want in my eyes. I know that when it’s my time to have a baby, God will let me know.

(( But I am shooting for late 2014, early 2015, just in case you are wondering. Hee hee. ))


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