in the night.

Last night I had a completely terrifying and disorienting night terror. I “woke up” to find myself sitting on the edge of the bed, screaming my lungs out with my pillow and the sheets on the floor and Husband holding me from behind so I would stop flailing my arms. Once I was fully awake, I went in the bathroom and cried for about fifteen minutes. I slept fitfully for the rest of the night because I was so afraid it was going to happen again.

Night terrors are essentially a form of sleep walking in which you have hallucinations and move around doing things without actually being awake. For me, mine usually involve terrifying things that I ‘see’ around the room, and I essentially scream and thrash and throw things until Husband pins me down/wakes me up. The one time I researched anything about night terrors, the article talked about them in smaller children (like eight). The article acted like this was the only time in their life people got night terrors. It didn’t have any solution or reason for them.

At the time when I researched it, I was living in the Lockport house with my sisters and I was getting them a couple times of month, but they were pretty tame. I would not scream, but get out of the room, wake up, turn around and go back to bed. Sometimes just sitting up would be enough to jolt me, and then I would lay back down. I mostly joked about them because they were so tame.

I only had night terrors twice before that (an adult both times), and the one time my mom found me I was hunkered in the corner of the living room crying and screaming I wouldn’t go back to bed.

However, ever since I’ve been living with Husband the number and intensity of the night terrors have increased. Within the past few months I’ve had them about twice a week. I have theories as to why this is, but I’m still not completely sure. I think it’s because I had a lot more on my mind now, as married and a fully job holding adult, and it’s very stressful. I notice that they occur (like last night) for the most part within the first half hour of my sleep.

I have also been prone to crying a lot lately. I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix and the patients (not the doctors and their silly drama) with their worries and their strength and their attempt to repair family relationships have me crying almost every day. Let me make this clear: I DO NOT CRY. I do not cry unless it’s that time of the month where my uterus lining is leaving my body. But for the past month I have been crying on an almost regular basis thanks to this show.

I also cried when I took Husband to the ER. We were walking through the waiting lobby of the hospital and it brought back a lot of memories of his grandma dying (EVEN THOUGH THAT WAS A COMPLETELY HOSPITAL IN ANOTHER COUNTY!) and I started crying. Husband had to calm me down.

Oh, and then yesterday when we were at my parents there was a letter on the table from an oncology department pretty much begging my dad to make a follow up appointment, that they had been calling him. Husband thinks it was about him getting checked in general (because he’s over 50 and prostate cancer and all that), but it really freaked me out. Like tearing up in the kitchen of their house and taking deep breaths kind of freaked out. I didn’t mention it to my parents though, because if it was important I trust them to tell us. Plus we are keeping our own secret so I am more inclined to being respectful of people’s secrets.

I think I’m going to look up a gyno with my insurance today and see if I can schedule an appointment. I’m 25 and I’ve never had a pap smear or anything and I’d like to talk to someone about this sudden onslaught of tears (like seriously, I was semi crying the entire time I wrote this), the night terrors, and my wonky period and if that’s anything I need to worry about.

Entire too long blog posts lately, but I need the release.

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