my first goal – mfp

Dear My Fitness Pal, I’m not squabbling over a half pound. My scale says 140.4. IT’S OVER.

So today was the day.

A lot has been going through my mind the past two weeks. I’ve been thinking about weight loss plateaus, and if I’m reaching mine, and I’m thinking about where I want to go with this, now that I got to my first goal, the first ten pounds.

I wasn’t sure that I would stick with this. I barely stick with anything. I’m amazed I’m married, frankly.

I couldn’t stick to the piano.

I couldn’t stick with basketball or tennis.

I couldn’t stick with the literary magazine during college, or teach CCD for very long.

Once Upon a Time is the first TV show since Arthur that I haven’t abandoned while it’s running on air.

And every Lent, I get somewhere halfway through and just give up.

Remember how I was learning manual? HAH.

I drop friends and never look back (oh that’s why her Facebook count is low 70s – yep, and proud of it).

So this? Forget how much I’ve lost — 2, 20, 100 lbs — the idea that next week is May and I started this shinanigan sometime in March?

BLOWS MY MIND.

My stomach is flatter. My face is miles skinnier. My boobs have shrunk. I ran for my bus and wasn’t winded. Husband and I went to the Indiana Dunes yesterday and hiked for two and a half hours through the sand — I mildly sweated and barely ached. My aunt saw for me for the first time since January and the first thing out of her mouth is, ‘How much weight have you lost?’

BLOWS MY MIND.

This is what I focus on when I lose sight on what matters. When I see stick leg girls walk down the street or look at a picture of myself and think I don’t look any different. When I step on the scale and see a 140, tell myself that 140 is still too fat. Losing weight is a good thing, but it also — sorry — fucks with your mind in a way I wasn’t expecting. You can be skinnier, skip that meal, you can lose it faster, you should see how low you can go.

Oh hey there, eating disorder, who invited you to the party?

Today I start chapter two. I already altered my goal on MFP. I don’t know if this is the final goal — maybe yes, maybe no. I’m trying to focus more on gathering songs and finding an used iPod because, with new found energy and warming temps, I’d like to buy a real pair of running shoes and head out on the pavement.

As always, I don’t know if I’ll stick to that. But MFP gives me hope.

This post is all over this place because for the past two weeks, my thoughts about my weight loss have been all over the place. Apologies.

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2 thoughts on “my first goal – mfp

  1. I feel sort of the same way about MFP (and by the way, we are both at basically the exact same weight and both basically 10 pounds down). We are like weight loss twins.

    I think you are doing way more exercise, though, so I’m glad it sounds like there are times or places where you really see a difference!

    I know there are subtle differences, but I don’t really see a difference in myself yet. I don’t feel like I look any different, I don’t really feel any more attractive most of the time, and I have so many very different clothes that I go between thinking, “Things ARE fitting better” and “what the hell were you thinking? No they’re not!”

    And heeey eating disorder! I totally know what you mean. There is this little competitive streak that makes me go, “Okay, I’ve stuck with it this long… I wonder how low I can go.” Thankfully, I know enough about metabolism that I’m not too tempted to altogether skip meals, but I’ve been tempted. It’s kind of addicting seeing that number drop.

    Really, when stupid girl hormones aren’t making me crazy, the number doesn’t matter as much as what I look like (which is why I really need to get on the exercise thing). I want to be able to wear shorts without my thighs rubbing together (or feeling like my pale cellulite is blinding the world). I want to be able to wear a swimsuit without constantly feeling disgusting and jealous of other girls. I want to go out with my husband and not feel like the grossest one there, or not feel bad because I see teachers at my school who have had 3 kids and STILL look better than I do. I want to go shopping and leave actually feeling good about myself.

    That’s what I *try* to keep telling myself- but it is hard, for sure. Keep it up, and focus on feeling good. That’s what’s most important! 🙂

    • I know what you mean about the number vs. how I look. I think that is one of the biggest things for me with this whole experience. The scale can say one thing, but depending on who I’m around, what I’m wearing, time of the month, etc., etc., how I feel can be something altogether different. I am working on appreciating how much better I look on a daily basis, and accepting compliments from Jim and others on how good I look. 🙂

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