Dear My Fitness Pal, I’m not squabbling over a half pound. My scale says 140.4. IT’S OVER.
So today was the day.
A lot has been going through my mind the past two weeks. I’ve been thinking about weight loss plateaus, and if I’m reaching mine, and I’m thinking about where I want to go with this, now that I got to my first goal, the first ten pounds.
I wasn’t sure that I would stick with this. I barely stick with anything. I’m amazed I’m married, frankly.
I couldn’t stick to the piano.
I couldn’t stick with basketball or tennis.
I couldn’t stick with the literary magazine during college, or teach CCD for very long.
Once Upon a Time is the first TV show since Arthur that I haven’t abandoned while it’s running on air.
And every Lent, I get somewhere halfway through and just give up.
Remember how I was learning manual? HAH.
I drop friends and never look back (oh that’s why her Facebook count is low 70s – yep, and proud of it).
So this? Forget how much I’ve lost — 2, 20, 100 lbs — the idea that next week is May and I started this shinanigan sometime in March?
BLOWS MY MIND.
My stomach is flatter. My face is miles skinnier. My boobs have shrunk. I ran for my bus and wasn’t winded. Husband and I went to the Indiana Dunes yesterday and hiked for two and a half hours through the sand — I mildly sweated and barely ached. My aunt saw for me for the first time since January and the first thing out of her mouth is, ‘How much weight have you lost?’
BLOWS MY MIND.
This is what I focus on when I lose sight on what matters. When I see stick leg girls walk down the street or look at a picture of myself and think I don’t look any different. When I step on the scale and see a 140, tell myself that 140 is still too fat. Losing weight is a good thing, but it also — sorry — fucks with your mind in a way I wasn’t expecting. You can be skinnier, skip that meal, you can lose it faster, you should see how low you can go.
Oh hey there, eating disorder, who invited you to the party?
Today I start chapter two. I already altered my goal on MFP. I don’t know if this is the final goal — maybe yes, maybe no. I’m trying to focus more on gathering songs and finding an used iPod because, with new found energy and warming temps, I’d like to buy a real pair of running shoes and head out on the pavement.
As always, I don’t know if I’ll stick to that. But MFP gives me hope.
This post is all over this place because for the past two weeks, my thoughts about my weight loss have been all over the place. Apologies.