glimpse of an alternate future

I sometimes wonder if I’m covering too much of the same topics over and over on here. Then I realize I’m the only one reading this thing, so it’s okay. YAY!

Yesterday Stepson had a wicked case of pink eye in both eyes and since Husband had a day off on Thursday, I had to call in to work so I could stay home with him. The original plan had been for him to come to work with me, but obviously that was off the table.

After I called off, which until that point I had a one and a half year streak of NOT doing at all, I had to bit my tongue before I said, ‘That sucks. I really don’t like doing this.’

Now, a lot of people may call me crazy. So many people would love to stay home with their kids, and seriously, the fact that he only had pink eye meant he was really on the up and up everywhere else. (It’s really the main reason pink eye sucks so much: only 10% of your body is infected, but 100% of you has to stay home.) But I like work, I had been getting my babies on amazing schedules, and I really didn’t want to lose any of that momentum.

Plus, I have four months left before my personal time renews and this was really putting a dig in that.

So we spent the day together.

And people … *big gulp* … it was all kinds of boring.

Not for him, of course. We played games, did some worksheets, crafts, trains, and some of the educational games for his Tag. I kept the laptops (our ‘tvs’) closed because we had rented a movie for that night and I figured that would be enough screen time for one day.

But doing all that was not enough for me. On top of that I was also baking cookies, running a load in the dishwasher, washed and folded four loads of laundry, and keeping the house clean as we moved from activity to activity.

And I was still having this anxious, ‘what’s next what’s next’ feeling inside me.

I think the big highlight of the day for me was when I decided (this is how much I needed something to do) that he was going to have a bath. Unfortunately I am a terrible person and put bubble bath in there. And he threw a tantrum. So I gave him the bath while he sobbed, then dried, dressed him, and carried him to bed for a nap. He slept for an hour 45 and I had to wake him up.

((I think the holidays have been crazy for him, because he went to bed at 9:30 last night and he’s still passed out.))

I’m getting to a lesson, promise. I read so many mommy blogs – stay at home moms, working moms, work at home  moms, and they all seem to fight to keep their lives balanced and take care of their kids.

(Can I just say though that I have no sympathy with stay at home moms when it comes to saying they can’t get any work done because of their kids? This is a cop out. I do so much at work while I watch the kids, and I have done so much at home while Stepson is around.)

So anyway, with everything that happened yesterday I realized that having kids really isn’t for me. It’s enough that I have to go through it with Stepson. I don’t want to stay home all day with a kid (even though I would probably have things planned and a car yada yada yada) and I also wouldn’t want to have a job because it would mean spending all my personal/vaca time on sick days and the like. Boring!

I just don’t see kids in our future. I feel like there is supposed to be some sort of tug within me anytime I’m around kids to make me want my own, and I never have it. I think it’s because for me, personally, I’m with so many kids all the time and with Stepson, so I know what I’m getting into and I’ve already done that, thank you.

Husband and I were talking about how nice it felt to be the hip couple in Chicago, and how nice it’s going to be to invite people over, to have our niece and nephew come for a weekend, to have Stepson come with friends (maybe?) someday, and how we’ll be able to say ‘yes’ to so much because of no kids.

That’s a future I’m looking forward to.


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