back to a good place.

Without realizing it, Husband and I hit a rough patch. We were roommates and friends, snapping at each other and rubbing elbows without really acknowledging each other.  Our physical relationship took a complete nose dive.

I can’t really explain how we came out of it.

I’ve written and deleted about seven paragraphs trying to articulate what happened.

When really all I want to say is this: Husband and I had a rough patch for about three months, and we recently fell back in (deep, deep) love with each other.

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It’s been all kinds of strange and unsettling. I actually cried a couple weeks ago because I was feeling things for him I knew, quite clearly, I hadn’t felt in awhile. I read so much about how when you have kids THAT’S when your marriage is in danger, that’s when you have to schedule dates and be vigilant. But it’s what happened to us — we became roommates, we became people who passed each other in the night. And that’s natural, the ebb and flow of a relationship, but what was scary was that I didn’t even realize it had happened until we were through it. I thought we were okay, I thought we were good, but I see now that I just saw mediocrity.

Anyway, we’re here. Great and stable and loving on each other like it’s going out of style.

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the reality of things

I’ve been reading a lot lately about how we only post the highlights of our life on social media. People are saying that this isn’t good, because it gives others a false idea of what our lives are really like. It breeds jealousy, it causes us to document over savoring moments.

I think that posting the ‘highlights’ is a good thing — it helps with self esteem, causes us to be grateful, and lets others know what’s going on in our life. Supporting each other is a big priority on Instagram, and it’s turning into a community setting. I use Facebook to let my relatives who I don’t get to see too often what’s happening in my life, and to connect with them in an easy and quick manner. Tumblr boasts itself as a mecca for community and friendship, but I see a lot more outrage, negativity and mindless reposting there instead.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m leaving out when I’m posting the highlights. What really got me thinking about this is that one of the bloggers I follow talked about this — but didn’t reveal anything she was leaving out. Isn’t that funny? She spent all this time pouring into a post about how just because we may think her life is amazing, or perfect, but we don’t see everything. She has a lot of hardships we don’t know about it. Just remember that — end of post.

This kind of upset me. I understand that in some regards, a blogger is like a very, very, very, very miniature Internet celebrity, and they have to be careful what they post. Everyone can see it, including friends, family, coworkers, etc. But on the other hand, I don’t feel like you should claim something without evidence to back it up. I would have felt better if she would have said something like, ‘I have hardships you don’t know about — I’ve been struggling to lose weight and my car needs a repair I don’t know if I can pay for.’ The honesty would have been more connecting than just a vague reference to some “troubles”.

I got upset, but I know that in some regards, I do the same thing. On Instagram, on Facebook, in real life, I act as though my “troubles” are just a shrug away from being solved. I hide the things I don’t want people to know.

I post a before/after of my weight loss on Instagram, but don’t say how that same day I got a terrible stomachache and diarrhea from overeating.

We tell people we’re ready to pay off and repair our car to sell it … but neglect to add that we’re still figuring out how to afford either.

I post on a Facebook wall about the new jeans I bought, leaving out the part about how I struggled internally with the fact that they’re an 8 and not a size 6.

I smile and joke at work about when we’re having a baby, because I’m too afraid of people’s reactions to tell them we’re never having one.

My smile is big and bright in every picture I post … you would never know that I freak out every night because I have gum disease.

 

Yeah, that last one was probably the hardest one to type. I feel like such a loser and idiot for having it, because it’s totally preventable. But I’m awful with dental health, and I haven’t seen a dentist in four years. My gums have been bleeding when I brush since the spring. I freaked out, attacked them with a toothbrush every chance I got, and it finally slowed to a stop last month. Last week I had some pain in my one tooth, and Husband looked at and determined it was because the gum was receding and the root was starting to show. The pain is gone but nothing’s changed with the gum line, obviously. I finally, finally made a dentist appointment for the beginning of February. I’m terrified to face the reality of this and what I might have to go through to repair it. I acknowledge that it’s no one’s fault but my own, and I block any thought of what I’d say or do if other people found out. Honestly, it was hard enough to sit down with Husband and let him know what was happening. I felt so ashamed. He, as always, was very rational about it, explained that he’s had plenty of cavities and such, and pushed me to make an appointment even though I don’t have dental insurance right now.

Facing the reality is tough. I unfortunately possess the mentality that if I don’t think about or look at something, it will magically resolve itself. As a teen I was constantly hiding things from my parents, hoping it would go away before they would find out, and procrastination was (and is) my biggest flaw. I’m working on it, but it’s hard. So so hard. I knew I needed to go to the dentist for a couple years now, but I rationalized that I wasn’t having any tooth pain, so everything was okay. Now I researched and read that 30% of people have gum disease and don’t know it because in the beginning, there are virtually no symptoms.

I’m taking this as a lesson and hoping to learn from it. I’m trying to face hard situations and conquer them.

20lbs later -MFP

Today I stepped on the scale a and saw a glorious number – 132. I got here a couple days before Christmas, but between being off schedule and spending all our days at other people’s houses, I ended up just being grateful that I maintained 133.

I took this week to get back on schedule and ended up a pound down, which is nice. It still feels a bit surreal, to be this skinny after all this time. When I fell off the wagon back in June, I thought for sure I wasn’t going to be able to get myself back on track. But I did, with a lot of hard work and focus.

My Three Biggest Lessons

1. No pop, more water. I have pretty completely cut pop out of my life. I can’t believe I used to drink TWO a day!! Husband has cut out pop as we’ll and the headaches he was having disappeared. I realized the other day that I was tracking my water all wrong and I drink closer to four or five glasses a day. By putting it in the tumbler I got from my sister’s wedding, I find it easier to suck down water while I’m busy at work. I also got a water bottle at home because having a large glass of water on the table made me nervous.

2. Eat less and smart At the very beginning of all this, I was very focused on eating whatever crap I wanted while trying to stay under 1200 calories. Not only was this hard, but it also didn’t make me feel good all the time. The second time I started up I focused on eating lots of salads and lighter fare; I think that helped me make better choices in general and feel lighter and less “stuffed”. I also read quite a few articles that said eating 1200 calories if healthy food and 1200 calories of sugar and fast food will also yield different results.

3. Focus on more than the number I was getting a little too obsessed with the scale before. I try now to focus on other physical results that losing weight gives me. Baggy jeans, loose dresses, and jutting hip bones are just a few! I tried on a dress I wore to my wedding rehearsal dinner and it was TOO BIG! Now that’s results!

glimpse of an alternate future

I sometimes wonder if I’m covering too much of the same topics over and over on here. Then I realize I’m the only one reading this thing, so it’s okay. YAY!

Yesterday Stepson had a wicked case of pink eye in both eyes and since Husband had a day off on Thursday, I had to call in to work so I could stay home with him. The original plan had been for him to come to work with me, but obviously that was off the table.

After I called off, which until that point I had a one and a half year streak of NOT doing at all, I had to bit my tongue before I said, ‘That sucks. I really don’t like doing this.’

Now, a lot of people may call me crazy. So many people would love to stay home with their kids, and seriously, the fact that he only had pink eye meant he was really on the up and up everywhere else. (It’s really the main reason pink eye sucks so much: only 10% of your body is infected, but 100% of you has to stay home.) But I like work, I had been getting my babies on amazing schedules, and I really didn’t want to lose any of that momentum.

Plus, I have four months left before my personal time renews and this was really putting a dig in that.

So we spent the day together.

And people … *big gulp* … it was all kinds of boring.

Not for him, of course. We played games, did some worksheets, crafts, trains, and some of the educational games for his Tag. I kept the laptops (our ‘tvs’) closed because we had rented a movie for that night and I figured that would be enough screen time for one day.

But doing all that was not enough for me. On top of that I was also baking cookies, running a load in the dishwasher, washed and folded four loads of laundry, and keeping the house clean as we moved from activity to activity.

And I was still having this anxious, ‘what’s next what’s next’ feeling inside me.

I think the big highlight of the day for me was when I decided (this is how much I needed something to do) that he was going to have a bath. Unfortunately I am a terrible person and put bubble bath in there. And he threw a tantrum. So I gave him the bath while he sobbed, then dried, dressed him, and carried him to bed for a nap. He slept for an hour 45 and I had to wake him up.

((I think the holidays have been crazy for him, because he went to bed at 9:30 last night and he’s still passed out.))

I’m getting to a lesson, promise. I read so many mommy blogs – stay at home moms, working moms, work at home  moms, and they all seem to fight to keep their lives balanced and take care of their kids.

(Can I just say though that I have no sympathy with stay at home moms when it comes to saying they can’t get any work done because of their kids? This is a cop out. I do so much at work while I watch the kids, and I have done so much at home while Stepson is around.)

So anyway, with everything that happened yesterday I realized that having kids really isn’t for me. It’s enough that I have to go through it with Stepson. I don’t want to stay home all day with a kid (even though I would probably have things planned and a car yada yada yada) and I also wouldn’t want to have a job because it would mean spending all my personal/vaca time on sick days and the like. Boring!

I just don’t see kids in our future. I feel like there is supposed to be some sort of tug within me anytime I’m around kids to make me want my own, and I never have it. I think it’s because for me, personally, I’m with so many kids all the time and with Stepson, so I know what I’m getting into and I’ve already done that, thank you.

Husband and I were talking about how nice it felt to be the hip couple in Chicago, and how nice it’s going to be to invite people over, to have our niece and nephew come for a weekend, to have Stepson come with friends (maybe?) someday, and how we’ll be able to say ‘yes’ to so much because of no kids.

That’s a future I’m looking forward to.