hush.

Oh …

we are tiptoeing around here …

bated breath …

eyes on the sky …

hands clasped together …

dreaming …

wishing …

imagining …

waiting …

trying patience …

waiting for the right news.

 

 

Details to come.

Advertisements

recommend.

SONG

Springsteen¬†— Eric Church

We heard this song on the radio four times on the way home from Michigan yesterday and Husband is so generous he let me listen to the whole song three of those times. He is sick of it by now, I am not, I know every word and sing it loud.

MOVIE

Mr. Universe

This is actually Jim Gaffigan’s latest comedy special, I found it on Netflix of course, and it was hilarious. I was nearly crying during his thoughts on McDonald’s and Subway.

BOOK

“Insatiable”¬†by Meg Cabot

This is a vampire book. It is also Meg Cabot. There are very few things I can’t stand more than either of those two things. I keep reading that I will love this Meg Cabot book, or that one, and then I don’t. I read Insatiable because I didn’t think Cabot subscribed to the loving stalker relationship that is Twilight, so I wanted to see how she handled it. This is one of her better books, in my opinion. I really enjoyed the main character, the plot kept my interest the whole time, and the ending between the woman and the vampire was just perfect, in my opinion. There is a sequel to this book and I’m wondering where she will take it because it didn’t seem to me that Insatiable had a cliff hanger ending.

look out.

Today one of my kids fell asleep while snuggled against my chest during nap time.

I am reading a Meg Cabot book and it’s actually super intriguing.

Currently listening to Josh Groban on Pandora radio, whom I have not listened to in many months. I am home alone and singing out loud SO LOUDLY. love.

Found Husband and Stepson snuggled in sleep over the weekend — love, love when they do that. We are fortunate enough to have Stepson for every weekend in July, and I’m already geared up to try planning events, like Movies in the Park and a possible Fair Oaks visit and definitely some splash parks as well.

These are a few of my favorite things.

But the best is this:

Husband gets a lot of trips with his biking. He went on two brew tours already, plus the one to Madison and a couple weekend Lake Shore rides with bike friends. The brew and Madison rides cost money, as do his bike supplies, which I’ve mentioned before. Anyway, I’ve been feeling a little left out, and I let him know this. I feel like he gets to do fun, non-couple activities and I don’t get that kind of stuff. So, we talked about it. One of my favorite things to do is read, and despite a forever seeming hiatus, I do like to write (although now it is mostly just in my head).

So what could I do? I mean, I go to the library for my books, and I’ve been getting such great books off that that I’ve kinda sworn off buying books for life. But I was browsing tumblr and found out that LeakyCon – Harry Potter fan convention – was coming to Chicago this year. Very cool, I thought, so I browsed the website. Hella expensive (around $300 for the weekend) and I don’t consider myself a super duper HP fan. But then I saw that a subset of the Con is LeakyConLit. Where amazing authors and editors as well come and do panels and lead discussion. I drooled a little — I haven’t done anything literary since college, except maybe read Anna Karenina. It’s a two day conference that costs $150.

I thought, this is STILL really expensive, but I SO wanted to go! (A one day pass was not offered for it, incase you were wondering.). Well, God smiled upon us, and due to some schedule switching which we were not privy to, apparently, Stepson’s daycare fee got chopped in half for this month … leaving enough money for me to pay for the pass.

Got approved for it already at work (my boss just shook her head at me, and was like, ‘What an intellectual and nerdy way to spend a day off!’). Husband is excited for me, and I can’t wait til August. There’s also rumors of book signing as well, and I already picked out which books I’m bringing. Hopefully within the next month or so they’ll update the page and I’ll find out what the panels are about. EXCITED!

magic.

My coworker is having TWINS! She is (rightly so) freaked and excited all at the same time. She showed me her ultrasound and they are just two little pear shaped amoebas! Also, the author who had the miscarriage turned out to NOT have one, and the baby is trying to hold on, and I really hope that works out for her.

For me, the past two days have been … MAGIC.

Thursday was Husband’s birthday, and I orchestrated about six calls from family, everyone singing him Happy Birthday because his grandma isn’t around to do so. That made him happy, which makes me happy. Then his dad gave him his credit card (they have the same name!) and told him to take me to a good dinner. So we did — put on some slightly fancier clothes and went to an amazing Southern restaurant here in Chicago called Big Jones. We shared gumbo, I had quail (for real), and strawberry shortcake for dessert. Easily the best meal I’ve had in awhile (also one of the more expensive ones).

Last night I declared summer started, so we packed up a comforter and homemade sweet tea and went to see Footloose at a local park. Loved loved loved laying on him, watching one of the best movies ever, eating free popcorn on a slightly heated June night.

I’m trying to draw a lot of inspiration for life from kellehampton.com. I love her posts, her pictures, her carefree lifestyle. I like how her blog consistently focuses on the beauty and positive, with only a sentence here or there thrown to the chaos of real life. It’s a good getaway.

Also has me thinking about getting a camera – a nice Canon one. Sigh. Someday. Someday in the next few months, hopefully.

Today Husband is on his much-looked forward to bike ride, and I’m doing laundry and maybe writing and relaxing and thinking about how I woke up to him spooned around me.

heart. break.

Driving down Lake Shore and Husband says, “I was thinking about my grandma a lot today. On my birthday, she would always call me first thing in the morning and sing me happy birthday.”

And then we spent the next ten minutes silently crying.

Finally, so quiet, Husband asks, “I wonder, how long will I be sad?”

I said, “As long as you want to be.”

Then we silently cried a little more.

I texted some people tonight so hopefully tomorrow he will get a nice surprise.

progress.

Busy day, but a good one too. Dropped off our things for the garage sale (which apparently isn’t going to be taken place for a bit now), helped out Husband’s family with some landscaping, went to see my sister/niece, and … sold the tires on my cars for $200!

I have to admit I was thinking we’d get a little more, as we just spent $400 on them LAST MONTH, but the people were willing to swap tires this weekend on site, so it was a good offer. Now we just have to sell the car to the junk yard, and we’re thinking we might get around $300 for it. We are thrilled with the extra pocket of money, which we’ll use for future payments on Husband’s car.

I was talking with my sister while my niece was down for a nap and she just happened to mention some BIG news: they will be trying for baby number 2 later this year! At first I was a little taken aback, but my niece is almost one, my sister wants her kids to be two years apart, and she wants a lot of her kids “out” so to speak by the time she turns 30 (she turns 29 this year, just like Husband). I was very excited for her, and it led to a discussion of when I’ll have kids, something that isn’t going to happen for QUITE some time, as Husband eagerly jumped in to confirm.

Did I mention I’m still on the ‘no’ swing of having kids right now? Besides the obvious financial reasons, I’m into traveling right now, ever since we went to Toronto really, and I’m already dreaming about oh! the places we’ll go! once we ease out of the financial crunch we’re currently in.

There’s also the matter of my job … Friday night I stuck around and had a discussion with my boss about the new room she wants to put me in. It is a room that needs a LOT of work, from curriculuum being implemented to kids getting involved and disciplined properly. Basically I am performing a makeover on this room for the summer, turning it over to someone else, and heading back to my old room. I explained to my boss that she was in no way to expect immediate miracles, that taking the room to the level it needed was going to take time and patience. As we talked about the massive overhaul I was undertaking, my boss asked if I had ever started the certification program the company offers through Rasmussen College. I admitted I had been dragging my feet about it, but still held interest in getting certified in ECE. I joked that if I got it, would she be offering me a raise? She commented that there would be the possibility of a promotion. That totally peaked my interest.

This is the second time it has been suggested to me that I persue management in day care. My old job, because I was helping out so much in the office, wanted to promote me to management with a .50 raise. It was a laughable offer due to the commute I’d have from Chicago, but I was still touched by the idea that I could be management. I talked to Husband about it and of course the idea of more money, more help paying off bills, intrigued him and he started talking about me doing the certification program (free to me; the company pays for it all). I was actually going to go get my Master’s in Early Childhood, got accepted to a school and everything, but it was crazy costly and we had no money for it.

But this is all something probably a couple years down the road. Tonight I sat down and sketched some things out for the room, and Monday I’m going to get the paperwork going on the certification program. Baby steps.

opposites.

The good and the bad have been stacking up around me lately, trying to compete for a bigger pile.

The good at work is that my co teacher and I are slam dunking on getting the room together for new arrivals while still keeping curriculuum going. The bad at work is that my director is still on me to move to a new room.

The good is that I’m taking the bus all week to work and it is fabulous — I read the whole time, and the ride (between 2 buses) only takes 45-60 minutes but goes by in a snap. I feel so much more relaxed when I get to work and less tired (for whatever reason) when I get home from work. Tonight, my ride was a little longer so I didn’t get home til after seven, and I did the following: vacuumed, picked up, did a dish load, cleaned the bathroom/toilet, and put new sheets on Stepson’s bed. The bad is that my family, for whatever reason, doesn’t really get why I’m taking the bus instead of driving the manual. I am trying to ignore them and live my life as best suits me.

The good is that my co teacher is in her eighth month of pregnancy and going strong! She had one scary week of bedrest in May, but everything worked out and the baby is healthy. I am doing a lot of lifting at work, but I don’t mind because I’m so excited for her. She confessed that she has been trying for 3 years now and can’t wait to have her baby girl finally. My other coworker who has been trying for FIVE YEARS finally, through many prayers and a lucky first round of IVF, is pregnant. As she is only a month, we are all holding our breath and crossing fingers, but she got the call at work and was crying when she told us, so I am reallyreallyreally hoping everything goes well for her too.
The bad is, although I don’t really know her, that an author I love just miscarried again. She is trying for her second and for whatever reason is really struggling to hold a pregnancy this time around.

The good is that Husband got a slight raise at work. The bad is that it’s not going to really change anything financial wise for us, but I’m trying to think positive. The car dying unexpectedly swamped us, our renters’ insurance came due, and now we are on our own to pay Husband’s car payment (personal story), so we are scraping by every month. For whatever reason, the biggest shock came to me when we realized that we weren’t going to be able to renew our zoo membership, which we’ve had for the past two years. Going to the zoo was one of our favorite things to do to chill and relax (no matter the season) on a weekend, and now that’s … gone. I’m also worried about Father’s Day and upcoming birthdays, but Husband and I decided we’re going to take things one day at a time. Husband’s birthday is in a week, and right now we have … no plans and no money to celebrate. We remind ourselves that this time next year, everything will die down and money won’t be so tight, but I feel (I don’t care how dramatic this sounds) like we are lost in the midst of the ocean and that time is a dot of land far away, a brown dot on the horizon that we don’t know if it is real or a mirage.

Although life has been pretty good, the other thing lately that has gotten me down a little is family relations. Everything is good on my side, even with the comments about me riding the bus. But Husband and his brother are having (private) issues with their mom, and it concerns money, and everything is tense. We’re supposed to see everyone on Saturday and I don’t know how it’s going to be. MY family relation issue is that I feel like Husband’s mom/stepdad don’t see Husband and I as capable adults. They are constantly giving us ‘advice’, basically telling us what to do. I understand we are young and newly married, but Husband and I have very different views from them on things like parenting and money. Husband’s stepdad wants us to trade in Husband’s car for a new one, even though we still owe money on it and all that money owed would roll over onto our debt with the new car. Also, he told his mom how we currently are reevaluating everything and have, instead of $350 or so a month for groceries, gas, etc., now only have $200, she said, ‘Guess you are going to have to watch how you spend your money’ as if we throw money into the air and spend it on frivolous things! That really upset ME because she knows things are tight with us and all the crap we do without in order to get by. I DISLIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK I AM EXAGGERATING OUR SITUATION. I want to shove our bills in their face and go, ‘What now? Where’s the extra money?!’ I admit that up until this month we had leeway for this or that and emergencies. Now? No leeway. We need a city sticker for Husband’s car by the end of the month and I don’t know how we’re going to get that money, or gas money to go to Michigan (and believe me, we would NOT go to Michigan but Husband’s mom got all upset when we mentioned that and repeated the watching our money thing). We’re putting some things in a garage sale and selling my old car to a junk yard, so hopefully between the two we can pay the city sticker and earn gas money. Also, we don’t have daycare payments July and August so we’re saving the money we would spend on that and giving it to the school at the beginning of the year, so we can make a last payment in April instead of June.

OK, I am on Husband’s laptop and it keeps trying to delete this, so I’m just going to stop the venting now and get off. Hopefully the next time I get on here I will have something productive to say, but the money crisis is on Husband’s and my minds A LOT so I can’t make any promises … at least, I think sometimes when we get ready for bed, at least I am married to a man who holds me at night and talks out the fear and is committed to bring the numbers DOWN for good. At least I am in this with my friend, partner, equal. At least I am in this with someone who loves me as unconditionally as I love him.